| Author |
 Topic  |
|
grasshopper
Senior Member
1652 Posts |
 Posted - 31 March 2007 : 00:20:13
|
Here's my contribution - read it and see how familiar it is, let the missus read it too - she'll understand.
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks*
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower*
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhanced conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see partner along the way,cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way,shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'sound or do helicopter impersonations.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.Wash your armpits
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open,wet mat on floor,light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again or do helicopter impersonations.
Throw wet towel on bed.
|
|
|
grasshopper
Senior Member
1652 Posts |
Posted - 10 May 2007 : 23:22:45
|
The other day my wife and I went into Nottingham and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a fella a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi t*rd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So the wife called him a sh*thead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by
train. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're getting older. It's important at our age.
|
 |
|
|
grasshopper
Senior Member
1652 Posts |
Posted - 10 May 2007 : 23:28:27
|
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Mrs Jones, the part-time Sunday cleaner, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so she could use her vacuum cleaner.
|
|
|
|
grasshopper
Senior Member
1652 Posts |
Posted - 10 May 2007 : 23:37:04
|
Scam Warning
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss today.
I walked into B&Q and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.
But those less suspecting might not be so lucky.
So lets just be careful out there eh.
|
|
|
|
grasshopper
Senior Member
1652 Posts |
|
|
grasshopper
Senior Member
1652 Posts |
Posted - 10 May 2007 : 23:54:28
|
A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him so he looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private part, 3 pounds left testicle, 3 pounds right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little fellow faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says,"What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 Feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!' "
|
|
|
|
grasshopper
Senior Member
1652 Posts |
Posted - 11 May 2007 : 21:56:43
|
Most people know that Posh and Becks are staring a new life in the Americas, and hoping to fit in David decides to take horse riding lessons....
All togged up in stetson and cuban heel boots he strolls manfully our to his trusty steed, Posh looks on pouting that pout.
Up on it's back he climbs, boots in stirrups he rocks back and forth in time with the horse, gradually increasing in speed.
Suddenly he slips and slides round screaming, clinging on for dear life underneath the horses neck. Posh is frantic, waving her arms and squawking "stop that horse! stop that horse!"
With no thought for his own safety, one of the Beckham's bodyguards races from Tescos and pulls the plug out. |
|
|
|
grasshopper
Senior Member
1652 Posts |
Posted - 23 May 2007 : 21:31:54
|
Here's one my wife sent me - maybe your 'partners' might find it apt...
Men Are Just Happier People. What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park
You can wear NO shirt to a water park
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another service station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £5,000. Suit rental £100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes.
One colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on December 24 in 24 minutes.
NO WONDER men are happier...
I'm sure if you can think of anything else you'll add it at your leisure.. |
|
|
|
reg
Junior Member
Christmas Island
427 Posts |
Posted - 01 July 2007 : 11:58:01
|
the police say the dam that was in danger of bursting has been hit by a car bomb
there prime suspect is a mr ramadam |
|
|
|
ianholt
Average Member
United Kingdom
750 Posts |
Posted - 01 July 2007 : 15:38:18
|
The streets of Sheffield echo to the cries of "super, smashing, great" as Bullseye's speedboat winners finally get a chance to use them!
|
|
|
|
grasshopper
Senior Member
1652 Posts |
Posted - 01 July 2007 : 15:57:37
|
Something someone sent me, I thought that it might touch a nerve with others on this forum........what do reckon Wayne?
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"So she says the words that every fella on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b**ch knows I'm smarter than her.
|
|
|
|
admin
Forum Admin
United Kingdom
1189 Posts |
Posted - 01 July 2007 : 18:50:34
|
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved
on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one
girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the
effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why
do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it
probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the
girl who plants the trees called in sick."
|
|
|
|
admin
Forum Admin
United Kingdom
1189 Posts |
Posted - 01 July 2007 : 18:57:51
|
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll
take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into
Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and
says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and
jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry
falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head
and says, "F**k dat. Dis budgie jumping is too f**k'n dangerous for
me!"
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the
pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then
throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says,
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when
Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a
cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the
chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears
down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"F**k dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den
Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean and his f**k'n hengliding!" |
|
|
|
admin
Forum Admin
United Kingdom
1189 Posts |
Posted - 01 July 2007 : 19:00:34
|
Can't believe my luck.
Driving in town the other day I wasn't paying attention and ran into the back of the car in front. Wasn't hard, but I got out of the car to have a look at the damage.
Driver of the other car got out too and he was a dwarf.
He said:
"I'm not happy"
"Which one are you then?" I asked. |
|
|
|
knightley
Junior Member
Kyrgyzstan
183 Posts |
Posted - 17 August 2007 : 00:56:57
|
Yer i stole it, but i was trying to find a comeback from grasshopper its about a speeding old motorist! ( not saying thats anything to do with you Sir! )
(( no seriously im not trying to offend you))
Police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The elderly driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
silver bullet
New Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 17 August 2007 : 21:58:20
|
the only one i can think ov at the moment
how many seasons are derby going to stay in the premier league?
three: autumn,winter,spring |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
Topic Locked
