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TomTom
Average Member
Kyrgyzstan
596 Posts |
 Posted - 18 February 2011 : 19:10:03
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| every time i see that rainbow one it has me in stitches!!! |
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grasshopper
Senior Member
1652 Posts |
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frecklychimp
Average Member
852 Posts |
Posted - 18 February 2011 : 22:34:01
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lmao, never seen that one Phil, brilliant!
got the feeling i'll be borrowing the 'Unibond' line! |
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grasshopper
Senior Member
1652 Posts |
Posted - 19 February 2011 : 11:23:43
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| I'll watch your link when I get home Mark, I'm curious to see what promoted the dedication- be prepared for a chimp slap! |
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TomTom
Average Member
Kyrgyzstan
596 Posts |
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frecklychimp
Average Member
852 Posts |
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TomTom
Average Member
Kyrgyzstan
596 Posts |
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frecklychimp
Average Member
852 Posts |
Posted - 19 February 2011 : 15:59:40
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| Saw that a few weeks ago at the MSA marshal training course... they used it to show us about correct flagging procedures! |
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TomTom
Average Member
Kyrgyzstan
596 Posts |
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Brushless Power
New Member
United Kingdom
45 Posts |
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grasshopper
Senior Member
1652 Posts |
Posted - 24 February 2011 : 23:49:27
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Haven't had any of these for a while......
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me"
Paddy says, "You haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
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Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
bloody thing up.
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Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
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Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For god’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
about!"
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An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
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Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
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An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always
fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be
in the bloody boat.
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frecklychimp
Average Member
852 Posts |
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frecklychimp
Average Member
852 Posts |
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TomTom
Average Member
Kyrgyzstan
596 Posts |
Posted - 16 May 2011 : 19:51:04
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REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH
PROFICIENCY EXAM FOR SO. CAL.
NAME______________________________
GANG NAME_________________________
1) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2) Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus' $800 per day crack habit?
3) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
4) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
5) Raoul got 6 years for murder, he also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
**Extra credit question: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money??**
6) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint?
7) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
8) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa with one week's salary?
9) Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
REMEMBER SAY NO TO DRUGS. GOOD LUCK & NO TALKING. |
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ianholt
Average Member
United Kingdom
750 Posts |
Posted - 19 May 2011 : 06:28:37
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that
- 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept
thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an
erection...but she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner. F*ck me - talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was
eat, drink and be Mary.
Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral
Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and
bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back
down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's
one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "Dave replies," Well
we were married for nearly 20 years... "
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "F*ck that" says Mick,
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind???"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says "How do
you know?" He says "The sex is the same, but the ironing is building up!"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to
inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes
silent as everyone stares at him... "Where are you from? You sound English".
"I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously. "What do you do,
just across the Severn?" "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of
those?" "I mount animals." "It's alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one
of us!"
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some
bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she
was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet...
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot
of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and
the other is an instruction.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change
dentists?
A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back." He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair!"
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die, you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would
like to come back as a cow." I said "You're obviously not f--k--g
listening..."
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years
after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is
that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back
.
Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty
ward. Turns out the new Dyson Ball Cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
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Edited by - ianholt on 19 May 2011 06:32:29 |
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